Recently I was having a conversation with a close friend about finding the right words to express that I was not interested in meeting up with someone who wanted to go on a date. Sending the “I’m not interested” text has been one of my biggest weaknesses when it comes to dating and it’s probably the reason I used to ghost people… a lot. I’ve tried to be more direct when it comes to expressing my lack of interest and this blog post is just a bunch of my own reflections on why it’s so hard for me to be honest and direct when turning down men I’m not interested in.
Here’s What I Mean
Before I go into some of the reasons why I struggle to be direct about my lack of romantic interest in someone, I want to share a prime example of what I mean. Below you’ll find a few drafts (yes, drafts) of a text I planned on sending to a man who I no longer wanted to date. Can you spot any of the deliberate changes I made to each draft:
Draft 1: “I’m really sorry but I just don’t think it’s necessary to meet up. It was great meeting you and hanging out when we did but I don’t think I see anything between us moving forward. You’re a great person truly, so sorry!”
Draft 2: “I’m not sure if it’s necessary for us to meet up. It was great meeting you and hanging out when we did, but I don’t think I see anything between us moving forward.”
Draft 3 (Final Draft) : I’m not interested in meeting up. It was great meeting you and hanging out when we did, but I don’t see anything between us moving forward.
Did you catch any changes between each draft? Notice how I apologized not once, but twice in the first draft. Maybe nothing stood out to you about the second draft, but also notice how I started off the statement with “I’m not sure”. Phrases like “I’m sorry” or “I’m not sure if” shows a lack of confidence in what you’re saying and how you feel. So why is it that it took me three drafts to relay a message as simple as this?
I Don’t Want To Hurt Any Feelings
Maybe I’m giving myself too much credit in thinking that I’d actually break anyone’s heart prematurely, but the last thing I want to do is hurt someone who was genuinely a good person that had my best interests at heart. I’ve interacted with a lot of smart and nice people who are great but truly just not for me. I know there’s nothing wrong with that because everybody isn’t for everybody. Yet, part of me just feels really bad and wants to soften the blow of rejection.
I Don’t Want To Seem Stuck Up
I have a relatively decent amount of self awareness. Without being arrogant, I can acknowledge that I have a number of traits that may make me seem like an intimidating dating prospect. As an Ivy League educated woman of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated who may also suffer from a chronic case of RBF, I’ve been told that I may not be the easiest person to approach. I certainly do not pride myself in being stand-offish and, if anything, it’s a trait that I am constantly trying to fight against, even to the point where I consider it in how I turn someone down. I’ve even had some people tell me that my standards are too high or that I’m making myself too unattainable (whatever that is supposed to mean).
Still, I’ve come to learn that my credentials are not traits that I should apologize for, especially in a dating context.
Either way, I think appearing to be “bougie” or “hollywood” as people say it these days, has become another one of the reasons why I try to avoid turning people down altogether. Still, I’ve realized that my credentials are not traits that I should apologize for, especially in a dating context. I need to stop letting people put words in my mouth. I’m slowly working to undo a lot of the misconceptions I’ve instilled in myself about dating as an educated, intelligent and confident woman.
I Don’t Want To Experience Potential Backlash
There’s also the terrifying reality that some men don’t take no for an answer. Growing up in New York City, I was no stranger to the catcalling boys and men shouting vulgar and disrespectful obscenities as I made my way through the streets. Their supposed compliments, flirts, and attempts to grab attention soon turned into yells of “fine, you ugly anyways” and even curse words. When you hear about stories like the one of Tiara Poyau, who was killed at a J’overt festival because she told a man to stop grinding on her, you’re faced with the sobering reality of what’s at stake when you tell a man no.
This fear manifests itself in the “I’m not sure”, “I’ll see if I’m free” or the “I’m so sorry, but” text messages. They are meant to ease the blow of rejection so that women can have protection.
Toxic masculinity is a real thing and from a young age, girls are programmed to just deal with it in the ways we know how. At it’s worst, women and girls are killed simply for turning someone down. And so on a day to day basis, this fear manifests itself in the “I’m not sure”, “I’ll see if I’m free” or the “I’m so sorry, but” text messages. They are meant to ease the blow of rejection so that women can have protection. I don’t mean to get all deep, and I can fully acknowledge that I am not at all equipped with all the information about toxic masculinity, but I do know I am speaking from lived experiences when I say that there is a true fear of how a man may react if you turn him down.
Food For Thought
At the end of the conversation that sparked this blog post, I mentioned how I truly wondered if men thought or felt this way about turning down women. Do men think about not hurting people’s feelings? Do they have to consider any violent backlash. I definitely don’t the answer to any of these questions but it could be an interesting topic to bring up at your next brunch or outing. Think about it! Do you avoid turning people down? Why or Why not? Also, do you have any generic or go to messages you like to send when you’re not interested in any more dates? Let me know because clearly I still need some help on that!
“One who loves a pure heart and who speaks with grace will have a king for a friend” Proverbs 22:11
