Happy Resurrection Sunday a.k.a Easter! Easter and Christmas are my favorite holidays of the year. That’s no coincidence because I love Jesus (plain and simple). I figured in honor of this Christian holiday, I would talk about an old topic but with a new lens. It’s one thing to write posts about dating and relationships as a millennial, but things get more interesting, or should I say real, experiencing it as a Christian. I’ve put together this list of three modern dating struggles as a Christian and some suggestions on how to deal with them. Keep in mind this list applies for those Christians interested in dating and ultimately marrying a Christian.
Putting Feelings Before Faith
Saying yes to the first date is not too difficult. Sometimes, even when I know that a person doesn’t necessarily match my expectations of the spiritual maturity I want in a partner, I’ll give them a chance because a first date doesn’t have to be too serious, right? For me, coming straight through the gate with the questions like “so you prayed about me or nah?” can seem a bit overwhelming or awkward, so I table it for future conversations.
I know myself well enough to know that I am simply not strong enough to take on that load or take that risk.
The trouble here comes when that first date turns into the second, third and fourth date. Regardless of whether or not you two spoke about faith, feelings get involved. You find yourself liking someone that you still know isn’t matched well enough to you on a spiritual level. Sure, there are people who believe they can change their partner and lead them to build a stronger relationship with God. That’s not impossible.Still, I know myself well enough to know that I am simply not strong enough to take on that load or take that risk. And do not get me wrong, everyone starts from somewhere and as a Christian I would be happy to help someone along their walk, as a friend.
And so yes, it is a struggle to put aside the feelings you may have developed for someone in order to acknowledge that they aren’t “equally yoked”. My only advice if you find yourself knowing you need to break things off for this reason, is to be open and honest. Don’t lie or come up with excuses, say what is on your heart.
Defining “Dating”
This might be a struggle of being Nigerian-American, Christian or both. Growing up, there were stern rules about not being in a relationship until some arbitrary point in life. Then suddenly those rules turn into constant questions about marriage. It seems as if the standard goes from “don’t date anyone ever” to “you need to be married tomorrow” overnight. This then creates a struggle to effectively define dating as a Christian.
It seems as if the standard goes from “don’t date anyone ever” to “you need to be married tomorrow” overnight. The problem here is, you lose a sense of what it means to be dating someone.
And by defining dating, I don’t mean figuring out if you are on a date or not. I mean determining what the boundaries are for two people who are seeing each other and have decided to enter an exclusive relationship. Many people have different standards. Some stick to not even sharing a kiss until their wedding day. Others in relationships opt to live together before marriage. To this dilemma, I cannot offer a straightforward solution other than praying, seeking spiritual guidance from mentors you trust, and acknowledging any nuances of the context you are in.
Getting Ahead of Yourself
When you have specific standards for a romantic partner, it can feel like there is no one in the world who matches your criteria. And so if and when you finally meet a person who checks every box on your list, or has every trait included in Ciara’s prayer, it’s easy to become infatuated and jump to the conclusion that this is the one.
Be sure you are remaining steadfast in prayer. Have friends around you who can give you a kind reality check so that you don’t start planning a wedding before the second date. Remind yourself of why you would be an amazing addition to another person’s life so that you aren’t so obsessed with someone else. Patience is a virtue after all.
Final Thoughts
As always, I wrote this post from my personal experience and after having some thoughtful conversations with some of my friends. The struggles expressed here may be totally different from what you are going through. If that’s the case, regardless of what you are struggling with, be sure to find a community that can support you through it! And always remember “you is smart, you is kind, you is important”. Who you date or don’t date doesn’t define you! Now I’m off to eat some Easter Sunday Joloff Rice!
“Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark?” 2 Corinthians 6:14
