Hey loves! I thought I was done with this topic after I commented on it in a previous blog post about dating trends I hate, but Season 4 of Insecure has reignited discussion. It’s only right that I hop on the bandwagon. Honestly, I just needed somewhere to get my thoughts out because this might have been the most relatable aspect of Insecure. For those of you who don’t know (semi-spoiler alert by the way), in season 4, Issa vibes with a new guy. It appears that the feelings are reciprocated but suddenly he stops answering texts and calls. That’s right he ghosted. One month later he returns, on her birthday at that, hoping to make amends. The season ends with Issa left to decide where the two of them stand. And so This post is an Insecure inspired rant of my honest thoughts on ghosting as someone who has ghosted and been ghosted on.

Are you ever obligated to give an explanation? 

So of course, this is the first question that people have when it comes to ghosting. Here’s where I put on my “I’ve been ghosted on hat”. I consider ghosting to be problematic because in most cases feelings of affection were mutual. No one held a gun to Issa’s boo’s head telling him to say what he felt for her was real. He did that on his own. Ghosting in this scenario is a bait and switch. No you never quite owe anyone anything. That’s at least if we want to be technical. However, in my opinion,  communication is a basic part of human decency. I’m not saying that you need to tell them why you’re no longer interested, but simply stating you are no longer interested is the least you can do. Besides, this way you’ll avoid a case where that someone constantly blows up your phone.

However, in my opinion,  communication is a basic part of human decency.

As someone who has ghosted in the past (and I’m not proud of it)  I now know it reflected my weakness when it came to communication and confrontation. Think about it, when you’re ghosting, you have mostly likely already made an active mental note about your disinterest. Ghosting is a deliberate decision. Posting on social media while ignoring that person’s calls, texts, DMs, comments etc. is a deliberate decision. I’m not talking about having an inbox so flooded nor am I talking about truly forgetting to reply. We all know what I mean by ghosting. And if you’ve already decided that you’re not interested, why would communication of that decision hurt?

Most would say that employers who have interviewed candidates should inform the applicant of their final decision.

There are so many options for how to cordially end communication with someone you’ve been talking to or dating. Some people say they don’t owe any messaging because there was never an exclusive relationship. But think about how you feel when you submit job applications and never hear back from them. Most would say that employers who have interviewed candidates should inform the applicant of their final decision. It’s a corny analogy but I think it applies to the ghosting topic well.

Do “ghosters” deserve second chances? 

For me, the answer is a solid no. Why?  At some point, this person decided in their minds that not only were they no longer interested but that you weren’t even worth the heads up about that. Maybe there are some exceptions. Take for example, the case of Issa’s ghoster on Insecure who alluded to some issues of depression as the cause of his disappearance. Obviously in this case, it is a judgement call.

But for some people who have experienced ghosting, like Issa you may go through this whole phase where you are driving yourself crazy with all the questions of self-doubt. Maybe I was too intimidating. Maybe I shared too much. Maybe I was too overbearing. Too opinionated? Do you really want to be with someone who put you through that thought process? The answer for me is a firm no.

Is it ever “ok” to ghost?

I said it before and I’ll say it again, communication is a basic part of decency when dating. If we’ve consistently talked for weeks, went on at least one date (especially if he paid for me), or have generally just been spending a lot of time together, I think ghosting is out of the question. However some people need to ghost for the sake of safety or in order to get out of a toxic situation. That’s definitely understandable and if anything, the gravity of those situations can’t fully be ascribed to something as trivial as the term ghosting implies.

Final Thoughts

In the case that you’re reading this and feeling super down or paranoid about that person who ghosted you, don’t! You’re an amazing person and clearly that person wasn’t worth your time, thoughts, or energy. If you’re reading this and you know you abruptly ended things without even sending a message to do so…it’s never too late to either fix it or end bad habits next time around!

#EniGivenSunday